This turned out to be the cookie version of my red velvet cupcakes…
I’m really “good” at doing projects on time and so when I bought peppermint extract last year, I didn’t think it would actually take me this long to do this recipe for thin mints, especially because I bought the extract after my sister requested these cookies. I’m pretty good at disappointing my sister, considering how the “red” “velvet” cupcakes and these “thin” “mints” turned out.
TL;DR On the outside, these look like Satan had mild diarrhea, but the insides look like it was constipation all along.
The dough looked like a big turd, but was eventually okay to work with.
I guess it could also look like a potato, but I saw this and immediately thought “Haha poo“
The recipe is basically all powders though, so no wonder these cookies are as dry as week-old turds. I don’t think cookie recipes are particularly good if they require icing or additional sugar; these cookies have weak personalities and you’d run out of things to say to them after five minutes of forced conversation.
Instead of refridgerating the dough for fifteen minutes, I put the dough in and left for four hours. I don’t think that really had an influence though.
The recipe says you can use whatever shape cutter you want, so I chose a chick (because it was small and round) and a D (because chicks and Ds are natural partners).
While the cookies cooled, I looked for chocolate. I found a plain chocolate bar so I decided to melt that, but it was all…lumpy and dry…when “melted.” I tossed in some chocolate chips and those were a bit more normal, but it was still a weird consistency. … I began adding capfuls of almond milk to make it smoother and less chunky … It worked, I guess, but I have no idea how/if these are going to solidify. I also thought that if I melted just chocolate chips, the consistency would be normal, so I melted half a cup of that, but no, it was just as lumpy. I never bother with recipes that require a glaze, but I feel like they often include butter. I don’t know.
In any case, this lumpy unmelted chocolate made it impossible to thinly coat the cookies. I tried spreading the chocolate on a cookie, but it sort of spread like…marmalade…
And I tried throwing a cookie into the chocolate, but it didn’t really stick, so then I pushed it in really far, which is when the chocolate decided to stick to the cookie like hummus does to chips, so it was a really thick but consistent layer. It looked like a lot of chocolate… so I stuck a plain cookie underneath that.
I had tried the chocolate chip melt with the insides of the Ds, hoping that I could maximze my successes, although that ended up betraying me in the end. The chocolate was still that sticky slightly thick texture, and the shape of the insides of the Ds just made them look like lil’ shits:
I also lost patience because everything was increasingly terrible, but this perpetuated the atrocious-looking cookie cycle and nothing improved; everything was ruined forever.
I had to put silver nitrate on my tongue tonight, so I didn’t even eat one yet. I have no idea if they taste as vomitrocious as they look, but I already feel sorry for myself. I’m not going to be able to get my family to eat these and I feel bad forcing my friends to, so I alone shall suffer the consequences of a poor recipe and waning patience.
It looks like someone was feasting on the devil’s butthole though: